Strange Feelings

Originally Posted: Date: Mon, 6 Dec 2010 01:17:16 -0500

Yesterday, I made it a point to carefully LISTEN to the music I was
listening to for an hour. From 4PM to 5PM Eastern Standard time, I
wrote down the artist & song title, then noted how many times, if any,
the word can't was used. I even went to www.songmeanings.com to double
check my hearing against the lyrics. The reason being, that Kimberly
*Eat Chocolate Naked Week* had talked to me in our session the day
before Thanksgiving about the word. She said that can't is a victim
word. Not always, for example, 'I can't drive' is a true factual
statement. But 'I can't get a ride.' would actually be: 'I won't get a
ride.' Won't is an empowering word, because it gives you your power
back. For that first week, I laughed almost every time I thought about
it & realized just how much I use the word! Lol. Well in the second
week, Thursday speciffically, I read a comment here that got me really
angry & made me feel really bad. So, of course, when I got angry &
started feeling bad, I decided to listen to some SEETHER & scream my
lungs out! *I have a post to Dear Pain thanks to that upset that I
haven't shared yet, but will get to*! Anyway, despite how pissed off I
was, I noticed that my beloved SHAUN uses the word quite a bit! Lol. I
found myself changing it to won't quite easily. So when I told
Kimberly about it Friday, she said that alot of the music I listen to
is like that. I was against this, not really against it, but not
willing to believe it either. I mean, rock music is literally the
foundation of my life. Take it away from me & I have NOTHING! Nothing
in the sense that as I said, it is my life. I raised myself on it &
even before I made the switch of my own accord, my Dad's friend *Uncle
Jim* as I called him, loved it. When I was first walking I was at the
apartment they shared *Dad & K were separated*, & when Guns 'N Roses
"Sweet Child O' Mine" came on I ran over there & blared it! Lol. Uncle
Jim thought it was great & said: 'Alright Lisa!!' *My given name*. So
I grew up listening to it when I was around him & K listened to ACDC,
"Hells Bells" & "You Shook Me All Night Long" were her favorites. But,
I decided to do an experiment, so that's what lead me to catalog
artist, song title & how many times if any, the word can't was used.
The results, can't isn't as prevalent as reported, but does occur!
Lol. I'm not done though, I'll be listening to the radio again Monday.
I'm actually thinking of doing it til Thursday, but I missed today! Oh
well, a 5 day experience ought to be just as useful as a 7 day one.
After the hour was up, I kept the radio on & a Linkin Park song titled
"Numb" came on. The song is about someone, let's use a parent because
it suits my situation perfectly, who keeps coming into the child's
life & trying to get her to be more like her. The child wants to do
her own thing, but her mother keeps stepping in & telling her she
needs to follow her lead, do what she does, how she does it.
Lyrics: *Yes, the word can't appears a few times, but I wasn't paying
any attention to that*
"I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless
Lost under the surface
I don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure
Of walking in your shoes
[Caught in the undertow
/Just caught in the undertow]
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
[Caught in the undertow
/Just caught in the undertow]
I've
Become so numb
I can't feel you there
Become so tired
So much more aware
I'm becoming this
All I want to do
Is be more like me
And be less like you
Can't you see that you're smothering me
Holding too tightly
Afraid to lose control
'Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you
[Caught in the undertow
/Just caught in the undertow]
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
[Caught in the undertow
/Just caught in the undertow]
I've
Become so numb
I can't feel you there
Become so tired
So much more aware
I'm becoming this
All I want to do
Is be more like me
And be less like you
But I know
I may end up failing too
But I know
You were just like me
With someone disappointed in you
I've
Become so numb
I can't feel you there
Become so tired
So much more aware
I'm becoming this
All I want to do
Is be more like me
And be less like you
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Is everything what you want me to be?
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Is everything what you want me to be?"

So I was singing along, & I always thought it said "I CAN feel you
there", so that's why I wasn't noticing, but anyway, I had this
feeling come over me. It's difficult to describe, but it was this:
'Ahhh! Yes! This is exactly it! Exactly right! I get it! I won't be
bothered by her expectations anymore!"
I guess a feeling of freedom is how I'd describe it, but that really
doesn't seem to do it justice. I've sang that song a billion times, I
loved what it meant to me all along, which was that, but it was
solidarity before, recognition. All of a sudden it was way more then
that. As I said, it was a freeing feeling. I've always thought I, like
my mother, had problems with my level of happy brain chemicals.
Dopamine being one of them. But I was singing that & it was like I was
out of my body. For those of you who see, you know you aren't supposed
to look directly at the sun because it'll hurt. . . Well, I look at it
because of course, it doesn't hurt. But singing that song yesterday,
it was the first chorus & it hit me & it felt like I was out of my
body & looking at the sun & almost like I could see everything! All
the connections connected & boom! I had made it! Lol.
Well late last night I signed up for Care Notes is what their called,
& a woman named Gail OKeefe sends them out. Their actually for victims
of childhood sexual abuse, but I signed up because I've been looking
for another challenge since I finished the Gratitude Challenge, & the
Care Notes are free, 52 weeks worth of advice, & I thought: 'What the
heck?' If I don't like them I can always unsubscribe, so I got my
first one this morning. I was supposed to relax for 5 minutes. Now,
I'm not always on the go physically, though I usually am in front of
my computer or watching TV & building with my legos. . . *I have to
keep my hands busy, because if I lay in my bed I'll sleep*! Except
for, of course, the times I WANT to sleep! Lol. But that's another
blog post. So anyway, I've constantly got music going in the
background, even when I'm in the tub I'll have either a book on tape
or music or the TV on. I'll just turn it up so I can hear it through
the wall & above the water. You know those people who avoid silence???
Well, I'm one of those people, to the enth power! Admittedly after
reading the post about How To Be Alone, I've gotten a smidge better,
but this Care Note called for 5 WHOLE minutes of silence! What's more,
I was supposed to focus on my breathing, PERIOD! No external thoughts,
sounds anything! Breathe in & out & focus! If my thoughts crowded in I
was to firmly kick them out & carry on. Since today was Sunday, the
animals AKA children, were home from school, so I decided to do the
note late. Turned out to be 11:30 by the time I saw it in my inbox &
remembered. Good timing though since the rents had their TV off so I
wouldn't hear it through the wall & the kids were in bed, my sister's
dog finally shut up for the night!!! *Once again, another blog post
entirely*, so it was completely quiet. I turned off the speakers to my
computer, not my comp itself because it's a netbook & purrs like a
kitten! It's so quiet I have to press my ear against it to make sure
the motor has turned on! I shut off the TV, turned off the DVD player
& the music, put Sadie on the floor *though she growled in protest*,
tossed the covers all the way back so I wouldn't lay on them, set my
clock for 5 minutes & laid down. It was pretty easy to get
comfortable, & to be honest, my thoughts were pretty well behaved.
Reason I'm putting this with Saturday's experience? Because it
happened again! I new it'd take a bit of work, so I kept repeating in
a whisper: 'Inhale. . . Exhale. . . Inhale. . . Exhale. . .' But other
then that, I was quiet. My thoughts were quiet, & though I didn't have
any great revelations *which I wasn't expecting anyway*, I did take in
the actual silence & I felt like I was up there again, watching
myself! It was a pretty awesome feeling! In fact, when my alarm went
off, it's a rooster crowing, I had it on low, but it was still pretty
jarring! Lol. So afterward I figured I'd try to go to bed. . . Well,
that's when all my thoughts came back, so here I am writing instead!!
Lol. The worst part is, I did try to continue on my way to sleep,
figured it'd be pretty easy after that, & I got to that point where
your inbetween being asleep & awake, in fact, it felt like I was
floating on air as it were, but then everything came flooding back
with a bang! No worries, I'm sure once I type this up I'll be able to
sleep. Sadie's back on my bed zonked out! Blah on her! Lol. I'm really
thinking getting back into the journaling thoughts from Julia Cameron
would be a good way to go.
Here's to new experiences!!
Love,
Chelle