Dear Pain:

Originally Posted: Date: Sat, 4 Dec 2010 03:22:42 -0500

I must say, you drive quite the hard bargain. In fact, after this
morning's episode, I know why people drink & take drugs. I know why
they kill themselves. Am I advocating any of these things? Of course
not, but I have an even better understanding of why they happen. &
this coming from one of the former Queens of Suicidal Ideation. If
anyone had ever bothered to really give a fuck, they probably would
have locked me up for a decade or so. Lucky me, they didn't, otherwise
I wouldn't be here writing this right now.
Anyway, I've been feeling topsy turvy for days & thanks to one simple
comment, I finally exploded. Funny, I never would have guessed I could
be so vocal & outraged having just awoken maybe 10 minutes ago *at the
time I lashed out*, but I was that enraged & in pain & I ran with it.
I screamed my lungs out to two CD's worth of Seether songs, though
since SHAUN writes both fierce rage/pain & more melodic, slow,
boiling, brooding pain, it was more like one CD's worth of songs, but
using 2 CD's. Anyway, I shredded my chords, I'm surprised they don't
hurt! & it turned out to be just the thing to get images flowing. I've
been trying to figure out where I can go to release ALL of the pain at
once, instead of in chunks, fits & starts like I have been at the
moment. Reason being that the parents were gone this morning, but what
if I'd woken up in a good mood & hadn't seen the comment? Then I
wouldn't have been angry & if I wanted to release some pain I would
have had to put myself in that mood to release it. Luckily today,
things naturally fell into place.
Anyway, I now know what I want, in terms of a place to go, so while I
hate you in theory, I really have to say I appreciate you for the
simple fact of giving me some much needed clarity.
I want to be in a place where I can release my pain openly & without
fear. So a hotel is out of the question, unless they actually have a
hotel for this speciffic purpose. I want a CD player with loud
speakers so I can blast my music to set the mood *as it were*. I want
to be wearing loose-fitting, comfortable clothes so I can move freely.
I want tables & chairs scattered about the room, flimsy, maybe even
ones that I've asked someone to make simply for the purpose of
destroying them, so that their flimsy, breakable but I'm not wrecking
someone else's property. An old computer with a hammer sitting next to
it would be right up my alley as well, again something I can break &
smash into a million little pieces. Some cardboard people I can rip up
& shred a strong *think industrial strength strong* punching bag that
I can not only punch, but kick! Something I can grab onto & shake back
& forth, something I can really wrench & yank on.
For safety, some glasses like we had in woodworking class *for when
I'm breaking things*, & definitely some gloves so that the damage to
my knuckles & hands will be minimal.
For the CD's themselves, it'd be alot of Korn & Seether, some 5
Fingered Death Punch, Staind, Nirvana, Slipknot & Eminem.
Afterward, a woman to hold me & let me cry on her shoulder. That's why
the retreat/other people kept coming into play. I don't have to rage
in front of a room full of women, but one woman who could handle
watching me lose it or coming into the aftermath of it & comforting me
afterward would work nicely for me.
So thank you for giving me clarity.
Love,
Chelle