Saturday, March 10, 2012

To My Daughter

If you aren't interested in 'woo woo' SKIP THIS POST!
Dearest Olivia,
I have no idea where to begin with this. I've had an urge for quite some time to write this but have pushed it away. As much as I've learned about myself the past few years, about the power of positive thinking, affirmations etc, some things just still seem 'over the top.'
On Monday March 5th 2012 though, something happened that I COULDN'T ignore.
I was diagnosed as having polycystic ovarian syndrome *PCOS* back in my late teens. Radical hair growth on my face and rearend and weight gain suggested this. I could also say my flaming temper suggested it, but truth be told, I come from a long line of hot tempers so the truth is that probably didn't play as much of a role as I would like it to sometimes. In other words, I won't ever say: "The PCOS made me do it!" It's just not a defense. And as for the weight gain, your grandmother and great grandmother have had gastric bypass and stomach stapling respectively. Your great aunt and second cousins either are or have been overweight and so on it goes. So the truth is, I was given this diagnosis after two separate ultrasounds found NO cysts and because hormone tests revealed an elevated level of testosterone. I guess if it walks like a duck but doesn't quack like a duck *no cysts on ovaries* it's still a duck. Hopefully by the time you read this letter that won't be the case anymore.
This diagnosis also came on the heels of my missing period. I started on my 11th birthday, what a present!! and then just stopped abruptly. I was put on birth control but was so sick of taking pills I eventually quit them.
Aside from being told I had PCOS I wasn't told much of anything else other than: "You probably won't get Pregnant."
Add to this something entirely different. As a young teen I was also told that I had a 25% chance of having a baby with a Tessier Cleft, only not only would it be more severe than mine, it would also leave my Baby deaf on top of being blind and mentally disabled. That 25% chance was translated into a 1 in 4 chance, meaning if I had 4 Babies, it was likely that one of them would be born with my birth defect. I fought to hold onto hope as I ONLY DESIRED ONE Baby, just ONE!
So fast forward all these years later. It's March 5th 2012 around 3:20 in the afternoon and we're heading to my doctors appointment. I was having a recurring ear infection at the time and no matter what they did it just wouldn't go away! So we're on our way there when my Body just starts doing Her thing! I leaned up front and asked Rebecca if anything besides blood would come out of me at such a high volume. She suggested discharge but I intuitively new that wasn't it! Sure enough, when I got out of the car your Grandfather said I'd left a stain on his backseat! Lol. He also yelled: "Your pants are dark! Noone will know!"
Truth be told, that wasn't my first thought. My first thought was: "I can get Pregnant!!! I! CAN! GET! PREGNAAAAANT!!" I had no partner at the time nor even any prospects for one but I didn't care!
Whereas most women back then dreaded their periods I was ecstatic!! I wanted to run into the office shouting at the top of my lungs! Lol! I didn't do that of course, but I wanted to!
Ever since I was young I had Desired a Baby so desperately that I had a doll Melissa whom I attempted to breastfeed! After that I would tell anyone who listened I was going to name my daughter Aleata! I'm still not sure where the name came from, but it stuck for a long time. I volunteered at a daycare center in high school, hated that my best friend, your Aunt Holly could get babysitting gigs and I couldn't, and even felt flutters in my stomach. My stomach would flutter and flip like you were already in there!
That day when I got my period for the first time in to many years to count, the fluttering came back! I was so excited to think my Body had come back of Her own accord! I hadn't taken any pills *I DO NOT begrudge those who do and signed petitions often when birth control and the right to it was under threat* but I myself had rejected it in favor of Goddess and Universe and it had worked in my favor!
Today is Saturday March 10th, and I'm excitedly awaiting my next chapter.
I started reading a book called "Calling in the One" by Catherine Woodward Thomas a couple months ago and it is designed to 'call in your soulmate.' I had no idea whether or not it would really work, especially considering my living conditions at the time, severely strapped finances and relying on your Grandfather for transportation, which meant I was never alone, nor did I frequent trendy cafes or other places where I might have met a partner, but the other Women in my study group predicted changes for me anyway, and I have to confess I'm now wondering if this wasn't one of those changes.
I also let go of your grandmother in love around this time *thanks to the book* and wrote letters to Congress members, rockstars, movie stars, journalists and anyone I thought could or would help. I started making lifestyle changes, one of which involved  getting on the treadmill for at least an hour each day. You would have had to know the old me to know that this WAS NOT something I would have done back in the day! I called it exercise instead of a lifestyle change and complained bitterly that I HATED exercise! It was 'the E word' and off limits the way other people make words like damn and shit off limits! Lol. But reading that book changed me in subtle ways and getting my period again changed me in bigger ways. I was ELATED! ECSTATIC! IN ABSOLUTE ECSTASY over it all!! I wanted to roll around like our family Cat Tigger did after we gave him catnip!
Anyway, I suppose there is no real closing to this letter, I just had to put this all down in hopes that you will someday read it and know just how much you were Desired and loved. I talk to you often when I'm on the treadmill and feel like quitting. I talk to you when I'm drinking a half cup of chocolate milk instead of a giant glass that holds 2 and a half cups. I talk to you when I'm contemplating the 6 pack of Reese Peanut Buttercup Eggs they have out for Easter and when I'm longing for an ice cold can of Coke! And believe me, I do long occasionally. I talk to you when I'm foregoing McDonalds and Tony's and Panda Express and I talk to you when I'm reading about preparing for a Pregnancy and having a preconception visit with a doctor. I haven't even found the right provider yet, but I know I will!
Finally, I talk to you when I'm reading about the oldest sperm bank in America and considering picking a donor. Part of me wonders if this is selfish and thinks of what it would have been like without your Grandfather around. Another part of me aches for you so badly and fears I won't conceive you until I'm 'old' and old to me is 30! It's 30 because at 35 chances of birthdefects begin to increase and with my PCOS and no prospective partners I fear that by the time Goddess provides for me my chances will be gone! It is at that precise moment when I realize I'm coming from a place of fear and close down the sperm donor website. I have bookmarked it but won't be back until I can say I'm there because I Desire to be and not because I'm afraid. I'm there out of love and not out of fear.
With All My Love,

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