Thursday, September 27, 2012

HANGGING, The Practice Run

I tested it out today. . . I found out some information the other day that hurt so bad. . . so bad it made me hurt worse than usual. Someone I know is pregnant. PREGNANT!!! Congrats to her, and I genuinely mean that. . . it hurt so bad though. . . I shared with my coach and it still hurt. I shared with my BFF and it still hurt. . . I shared with one friend who kindly pointed out it was WORSE for her. She has people to talk to! She's sharing with her family! I can't share with the family she and I share!! So how is that "worse"? I talked with another friend who was awesome and completely understanding. . . she really was and I love her to death! I called the doc to schedule an apt and have it for next Friday. . . I see ELI on the 3rd and SHAUN on the 20th!! But it hurt so bad I took the scarf down and tied it around my neck anyway. I pulled it so tight I could feel the pulse in my head, hear my heartbeat in my ears. . . It was weird, that feeling. It felt the way it feels when they give me anesthesia and I get that warm liquid feeling in my chest. I untied it and tied it again, wanted to see if I could make it any tighter. I felt ok this morning when I emailed my coach. . . I really did, but then I was listening to some music and it came rushing out of nowhere again. I can't cry though. I don't know why, I can only cry when I'm talking to somebody, but I can't cry otherwise. . . it makes no sense, but it is what it is I suppose. I want a Baby so badly. . . I would make a great mom! Even family and friends say so! I love changing diapers and don't care if the Baby spits up on my band shirts! I don't like getting them messy, but if Baby does, it's perfectly fine! I don't mind late nights and I love everything about Babies! Their smell, the way their skin feels, the way they taste. You know, just sitting there with them and all of a sudden you find half their foot in your mouth. Lol. The way they laugh and babble. . . The way they coo and the happy noises they make when they get excited. . . I have to restrain myself from running up and begging perfect strangers to let me hold their Babies. My arms and hands start tingling and itching. My stomach gets butterflies of epic proportions! I even get kicking sensations sometimes. And that feeling came back. . . I knew I wasn't all better, I just got the news Tuesday, but I pushed through and now I'm on my knees again. I kept thinking about cutting but I put the scarf around my neck instead. . . I wish I could cry. I just can't seem to find it in me though unless I'm talking with someone. It just hurts. . .

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