Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Broken Thoughts

I initiated this talk. . . Part of me wishes I hadn't. I am in so much agony right now, it feels like my insides are burning.
I wonder if I was a doormat for you.
I was a doormat for her until I wised up. I swore I'd never do it again, but that's what happens when you say NEVER, especially if it's based in fear.
You were, are a part of me. I don't know how to get you OUT!! Part of me wishes I could, part of me wants to hold on forever.
Why did we have to exist in that fucking gray area? More than friends, more than sisters, less than lovers? What kind of fucking place was that for us to be in anyway??? You became my mother, my sister, not to mention my best friend, which is where we started.
I felt great until I really thought about what this all means. It means I have no best friend anymore. I have FRIENDS, but not a BEST FRIEND. I walk alone now, which I suppose was my biggest fear of all. Forget public service announcements and divorces and yes, even stupid evil bugs!! My biggest fear was waking up one day to discover that I walked alone. Well today is the day, and I fucking hate it!
I know if I cut, just one little cut and felt the blood run down my arm, I would feel better. I know if I licked it up and savored it like crumbs from a chocolate cake I would feel better, but only temporarily.
I don't blame you, contrary to what this might sound like. I really don't.
I started the conversation, like I always did. I even said I needed definition in not so many words. All you did was give it. Thank you for your honesty. . . I appreciate it.
I think of no more concerts with you, no more late nights playing "Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?", no more talks of the scrapes we got into in school, of the things we did mostly together and some you've done on your own. The shared bond between us that I see crumpled and broken and bleeding.
I am here, crumpled and broken and bleeding. . . I've been fighting this all night, but I'm finally crying as I type this. It's finally too much to hold in. Part of me wishes I'd saved that Tylenol3. . . Now would be the perfect time for it.
I've been trying so fucking hard to feel, but I fucking hate feeling!!! I could eat and eat and eat or I could starve myself, neither pain could compare to this. I wish I'd decided against us years ago when I said I loved you as more than and you said you loved me as less than. . . But then again, if I'd walked away we wouldn't have had all the fabulous times we've had. . .
I am sorry that I didn't listen to you though, and I wish I had. . . I couldn't though. I thought I'd be ok, thought I could come out unattached, unscathed, but I was wrong. I'm wrong about these things often. . .
I really do get to attached and love too much, fall too hard, hold on to tight and this is what happens to those of us who do such things.
It doesn't matter what we are, it matters what we were and who knows how long the agony from that will last. You want me with handfuls of friends. . . I have to wonder if it's worth it. Part of me doesn't think it is.
Affirmations aren't dulling this and positive thinking isn't pulling me up. Maybe it's to early and I just need this for tonight, I don't know.
I feel like I've given all my blood. No energy, no spark, nothing. And why the fuck is it that every song they play makes me think of you?
What I said up there. . . it does matter what we become. . . I miss what we were though, or what I THOUGHT we were and that's another thing. Why the fuck does one think they see so clearly in the midst of a relationship, any relationship, and then when said relationship dissolves or changes drastically then and only then do they step back and realize they were blind and didn't see a damn thing? And why does one start wondering then, did I imagine what we were? Did you feel as close to me as I did you at one time, a long time ago? Or was it all in my head? Why does the brain play cruel tricks like that??
Anyway, I know there's no answers here, but this all has to go somewhere.
I love you. . .
What if the one thing that I missed,
Was everything I need to pass the test,
And if I fail what happens then,
Can I still count on you as a friend
"Live to Rise"--Christopher Cornell/Soundgarden, from The Avengers Soundtrack

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