Sunday, December 9, 2012

Day 5 of the Gratitude Challenge: Call to Heaven

The challenge is to take a few minutes & call someone you haven't talked to in a while & tell them how much you appreciate them. I don't have anyone to call, my family is living with me & their all I have. So, I decided to make a call to heaven, at least that's the premise of this letter. Amy *Mamamorphosis* & I had talked about it for a while, only it wasn't in this context, it was in the context of dealing with my grief over his death. Here today, I am finally ready, or as ready as I can be. Dear Mark: It's been 1 year, 2 months & 3 days since Dad told me you were gone. I could rehash all that, but for this letter, I'll put all that aside, save it for another day. Instead, I'm just calling to say I love you, I miss you & I don't blame you. I love knowing that I can always go to you, even now & if I listen carefully I'll hear you offering up advice in your trademark: 'Go to college or I'll knock ya into next week!' way. Lol. Yeah yeah yeah, bring it on! Lol. I love your ability to be straight forward with people. I love your no nonsense do as I say not as I do policies. I love the way you treated me like the baby princess of the family when we were kids. I love that you thought I was pure & perfect. To bad you're wrong! Lol. Some of the sex talks I've had would make you cringe, if only for the fact that you thought I was so sacred. Oops, I can hear your bubble bursting even from here! I love the way you loved your babygirls & protected your family. I love your devotion & loyalty. I love your laugh & how you used to call Dad 'Mac Daddy!' after the Sir Mix-A-Lot song of the same name. I loved being able to hold your porn & beer stash over you after I found them whilst looking for a football to play with & that it meant you'd do anything for me so I wouldn't tell! Gotta love blackmail between siblings, right? I love how you took us ice skating & sledding on the ditch, how you used to roll me off the pumphouse out back & into a huge pile of snow you'd shoveled up speciffically to break my fall. I love how you took me on the roof & we jumped off again, into a huge pile of snow & all to make me feel better about little sister getting hurt when I was chasing her around the livingroom. Dad knows about that now, but I figure your safe. Lol. I loved listening to rap music with you & being in your bedroom with you & your girlfriend of the night while you guys watched movies or listened to music. I loved riding bikes with you & going for rides in your old beat up car. I loved how you came home drunk that one time & insisted on feeding me because 'You'd starve to death if I didn't feed you!' Lol. If you could only see my ahh-hem belly, now. Lol. There's definitely no starving going on here! Finally, I realize now, that no amount of praise could ever erase all the negativity you had hurled at you by our 'uncle' your 'stepdad', but nevertheless, you weren't worthless! You weren't a 'pussy'! You didn't have to 'win' every fight you had at school! You were a good Father/provider/brother/son/husband/person! Though I could never take it all away, I did & do love you & I always will. I have the utmost respect for you & believe in your strength, courage & abilities. I suppose there's not much left to say, but as a final departing note, Dad does love you, with all his heart. He sees things in black & white, but you my friend, walked in the gray. He didn't understand it, couldn't change his way of thinking to match yours. I live in the gray & I think that's part of what bonded us together so tightly. I saw your gray & you saw mine. I never had to keep anything from you & you never had to keep anything from me. We were two peas in a pod. However, as I said, Dad did, does & always will love you. I'm not making excuses for him, simply stating facts. I've had th honor of knowing him better then you did & knowing you better then he did. The love & respect was mutual irregardless of whether you two could see things on the same plain. With gratitude & love, your Baby Sister.

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